Saturday, May 28, 2005

Gender-based laws of nature

I grew up with three brothers, so you'd think this would've come to me before now, but I'm bristling with the question:

Is there some sort of male law that makes heterosexual adult males incapable of the following?

  1. Replacing the roll of toilet paper
  2. Handing over one plastic-wrapped and therefore invisible ultra-thin maxi pad when a woman has declared an emergency
  3. Replacing the roll of paper towels
  4. Remembering that the paper towels are kept in the front closet, and have been for five years
  5. Picking up the hand towel in the bathroom after throwing it on the floor
  6. Throwing out the empty box after consuming the last granola bar, cracker, cookie, or other high-carb treat
  7. Drinking from a glass instead of the container when no one is watching

I'd really like to know, so I can go appeal to the judge. Or better yet, become the judge.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The things I ate in France

Foie gras. . . searingly hot duck liver over a bed of crushed tart cherries and redcurrants and their wonderful juice. It was so wonderful, I wanted to lick the plate and order it again as plat and dessert.

White asparagus, which seemed to be the big flashing blue-light special on every single menu. Maybe I'm missing the point, but it wasn't that spectacular. . . and it sure wasn't worthy of 15 whole euros.

The worst spring roll I have ever tasted. I should've known better. Raw garlic pasta wrapper, red peppers and tons of cilantro tossed with merde-stinky mushrooms do not add up to anything but icky.

Every single flavor of Laduree's macaroons, except licorice. Swoon, except for the rose, which is just plain weird. But to be contrary, the violet is yummy.

Tarte citron, millefeuilles, tarte tatin, pear tart, tart with apricots and fraises (there is no strawberry like a French strawberry) and lots of creme Chantilly. And let us not forget the passionfruit and cassis sorbet. (This is not the proper way for a diabetic to behave.)

Omelets. Blissful, soft omelets with jambon and fromage. Mon dieu.

I want to go back. Now.