Saturday, May 28, 2005

Gender-based laws of nature

I grew up with three brothers, so you'd think this would've come to me before now, but I'm bristling with the question:

Is there some sort of male law that makes heterosexual adult males incapable of the following?

  1. Replacing the roll of toilet paper
  2. Handing over one plastic-wrapped and therefore invisible ultra-thin maxi pad when a woman has declared an emergency
  3. Replacing the roll of paper towels
  4. Remembering that the paper towels are kept in the front closet, and have been for five years
  5. Picking up the hand towel in the bathroom after throwing it on the floor
  6. Throwing out the empty box after consuming the last granola bar, cracker, cookie, or other high-carb treat
  7. Drinking from a glass instead of the container when no one is watching

I'd really like to know, so I can go appeal to the judge. Or better yet, become the judge.


TheTruthfulHusband said...

If you want the other side of these stories—where the pendulum swings much closer to the unbiased/unadulterated truth—read on . . .

#1—Does the husband deserve to be blamed if the wife doesn't keep the extra toilet paper in the expensive bathroom canister he bought for her?

#2—Some things, such as “unmentionables,” should not be discussed between men and women, let alone handling them!

#3—Like the pepper mill, I get minimal use out of the paper towels and they always seem to run out when I need them!

#4—This is probably true, but the original master architects, who designed this closet (at the main entrance to the house), intended it to be a coat closet. Why are paper towels stored in a coat closet?

#5—Not guilty. Perhaps the towel falls off the rack after I leave the bathroom!

#6—A childhood habit that has been corrected since childhood . . . most of the time.

#7—It’s a guy thing. Come on, when no one is watching . . . and when it is something that no one else drinks . . . absolutely permissible!

pamela yaeger said...

Oh, please.

1. You bought it for me? Uh, no. We both work. We both pay. And since when is $10 at Target expensive?

2. Sorry, dear, but half the world bleeds. Get over it!

3. You are the pepper hound, and you are always screaming for more towels. I don't scream, I refill.

4. The towels are in the coat closet because your FOOD fills up the whole pantry. And the ones in the hall closet would require you to stretch AND bend. I am realistic.

5. Yes, I guess we have self-propelling suicidal towels.

6. Delusions, delusions.

7. And absolutely disgusting. If I want to taste your spit, I'll kiss you.

the fat lady